• Sam Youngman

Why is Donald Trump so freaking afraid to visit Virginia?

By Sam Youngman & Adam Parkhomenko

Win McNamee / Getty Images

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Because it kept his orange ass further away from the Virginia gubernatorial election.


Yep, super chicken, tired joke and all-around piece of human garbage Donald Trump is apparently terrified of going to Virginia to campaign for his mini-me, Glenn Youngkin. If he still had a White House bunker, he’d be hiding in it for the next three weeks.


President Obama is showing up. President Biden is showing up. Dr. Biden is showing up. Stacey Abrams is showing up.


So where’s the big mouth of Mar-a-Lago? Weird, right?


He keeps issuing statements and talking about it. He keeps telling Youngkin that he needs to embrace Trumpism — something Youngkin has been happy to do — and yet he can’t be bothered to slowly and gingerly walk his punk loser ass to the Old Dominion and remind voters exactly who he is and what they’d be voting for if they go with Youngkin.


To be fair, he did manage to get on the phone and do a call Wednesday night with all the other Republican cowards in Virginia who are too weak to stand up to a man who tried to overthrow the U.S. government. And that’s apparently because they still very much want to overthrow the government.


Hell, they even pledged allegiance to a flag that was flown at the Jan. 6 attack on our Capitol. They called it “peaceful.”


And after they did, Trump talked about how Youngkin “knows what’s going on.” Speakers told the Big Lie some more. Trump whined about how he wants to do a “live event.”


So what’s stopping his sorry ass? Does he not have a plane anymore? Or did some shady ass bank repossess it? If he wants to celebrate a domestic terrorist attack on the United States, then why won’t he come to Virginia and do it in person?


It just doesn't make sense. Unless Trump is not nearly as tough as his legion of cult members keep telling us he is. Maybe he’s just a big lump of chickenshit who is too afraid to go to Virginia lest he run away screaming and crying and leaving a trail of urine along the way.


“All the Democrats are on the field. On the flip side, Trump’s in hiding,” Josh Schwerin, a former McAuliffe aide, told Fox News. “He’s who Youngkin needs to turn out his voters and for whatever reason they’re afraid to bring him to Virginia. In a close race where both sides need to be throwing everything at this, the Democrats are and Trump’s MIA.”


Sounds about right for a draft dodger who refused to honor our fallen troops because he was worried the rain would fuck up his already fucked up hair.


It seems to us like if Trump is a real man and not too weak or scared or washed up, he will get his ample orange ass to Virginia fast.


Otherwise, he’s just making it clear that he is nothing more than what he likes to grab because he’s a star.


So come on, chicken. Cross the road. Come to Virginia. We dare you.