• Sam Youngman

Monday Mayhem: Biden became president with these four words

By Sam Youngman

You’ll have to give me a minute. I’m a bit emotional.

I’ve just read Prof. Eric Rauchway’s review of Peril, the book Bob Woodward and Robert Costa wrote about Trump in the Washington Post. This should not be mistaken for Woodward’s last book in which we discovered that Trump had been lying about the pandemic from the beginning and that Woodward knew this but kept it from us so we would buy his book.

And while some of that shit is unforgivable for both Trump and Woodward, I’m about to hand out a free pass to the latter because of what I’ve just learned from his latest.

Goddamnit is it dusty in here? I keep getting choked up.

On Friday, Rauchway posted his review of “Peril,” and he walks us through how the authors present two very different presidents — Trump and Joe Biden. The book tells us all about how batshit fucking crazy Trump is, and just how close we got to Mike Pence overturning the will of 81 million Americans to make Pol-Pot-Belly happy.

But I already knew that Trump was nuts and Pence was the piss stain on a coward’s pants. So what’s got me so goddamn misty?

“What a fucking asshole.”

That is what “Peril” tells us Biden said when he discovered that Trump had screens installed in a room in the White House that he could use to simulate playing golf courses from around the world. Yeah, the miserable piece of shit who was playing countless rounds while telling us COVID would just magically disappear was somehow playing even more golf than we thought

And Biden’s response to learning about this was: “What a fucking asshole.”

Holy shit. Read it again. Let the words sink in. Let your heart swell. Let your smile grow.

“What a fucking asshole.”

And now I’m just full-on crying. Ugh. I always get like this when I come across such a rare and perfectly eloquent expression of patriotic genius.

“What a fucking asshole.”

This was the day Joe Biden became president. You know, except for all those other days when voters voted and courts said Trump couldn’t overthrow the government.

“What a fucking asshole.”

Yep, I’m going all Van Jones on this shit because it’s really the only way to go when you see a man or a woman stand as the leader of this nation and utter words that erase all doubt about whether that person is deserving of the awesome responsibility and power of the presidency of the United States.

“What a fucking asshole.”

God, it’s like someone wrote another sentence of the Gettysburg Address.

“What a fucking asshole.”

Have we started the process to put this on our money yet?

“What a fucking asshole.”

Can a single phrase go on Mt. Rushmore?

“What a fucking asshole.”

Sorkin couldn’t write something like that with Thomas Jefferson’s pen.

“What a fucking asshole.”

Sigh. Ok, I finally pulled it together. But I want to take this opportunity to do two things:

First, I want to say thank you, Mr. President. Biden summed up Trump better than a thousand Washington reporters typing nonstop for four years did (five if you include the campaign).

Second, I want to use this occasion to make the president an Honorary Big Stufferino. I doubt he’s gonna swing by TBS HQ to pick up the plaque — this is a good thing as we don’t have a plaque prepared — but that kind of beautiful, direct and accurate cussing is basically the driving ethos behind TBS.

In fact, I’m just gonna assume that the president is a regular reader of TBS, and he was channeling all of us when he said that. We knew he was a fan, and we’re gonna pretend this is confirmation.

And even if he isn’t, we’re still saluting the man. Because he’s right.

Trump is a real fucking asshole.

Y’all have a great week!

Read the Washington Post article here.